The world's slowest yacht race

 Today is the start of the rolex Malta to Sicily and back yacht race which is a kind of Sydney to Hobart for chumps and losers. We jockey for viewing position with the usual eurotrash and narrowly avoid being trampled by a group from the Bulgarian Pantyhose Delegation. The wait is interminable but just as we thought we would collapse from the odours being emitted from the Slovenian Chamber of Commerce group we here a loud boom-the Malteser army suspecting another attempted invasion by the Turks have fired off a fusillade of cannons

but fortunately only manage to take out a group representing the Transnistrian College of Homeopaths. Anyway the race starts and the boats are becalmed-has there been a case of albatross homicide here? One plucky Malteser jumps into the water, is thrown a rope and grasping it in his teeth drags the first boat out of the harbour.

As the weather has now become unseasonably hot I decide I need a pair of shorts-we locate an outdoor shop out in the burbs and hop on a bus and are dropped off in area rarely frequented by tourists, and for a good reason . However we manage to buy a charming pair of mustard shorts

Fashion is all about self-expression

and slink back by bus to our digs where we prepare a delicious meal of rabbit bread with rabbit cheese and rabbit salami.